Sneak peek into each Chapter
Nicole asked Kathy some questions about Her Book.
Exposing the shame and trauma I experienced may have been a vulnerable act, but it was also incredibly freeing. It helped me break the bondage that, as I got older, became harder to deal with. By sharing my story, I could also share the real me, the broken me, the put back together me. I spent my whole life keeping the broken me a secret. Always afraid that I would be rejected or be just not good enough. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps others to know they are not alone and that they, too, can change.
I decided to write my book because the more I opened up about my story to others, the more I realized that others were living in the same bondage of pain. Realizing that so many were living and navigating through generational dysfunction, I knew the only way we could change it, is by talking about it.
I don't know I might just start singing - Barry Manilow Looks Like We Made It. lol, Just kidding, I would give her the biggest hug and tell her God was right, everything is going to be okay.
As odd as this may sound I don't think this chapter was hard for me to write. By the time it came for me to write this chapter I think I was at peace with my past. Taking all those walks down memory lane to write this book also reminded me of many good memories that I had with people throughout my life.
I hope people take away this message,
There is always someone out there that cares and wants to help you.
It doesn't have to be a family relative, and it can be a complete stranger. I always try to remember the positive attributes that others bring to my life experiences. Whether it was learning how to be a mother or what it would take to be successful, I hung onto those parts. There were many people throughout my childhood and adolescent life that had a huge part in my becoming who I am today. I wish I had expressed my appreciation to them back then as much as I wish I could now.
Like I said in the book I've always referred to Jon as my answered prayer. The love that we have experienced is exactly what I prayed for. We have definitely experienced difficulties as well. What makes our relationship unique is the love and grace we give each other daily, that makes forgiveness much easier.
I know this may be TMI but it was the
first time we made LOVE.
Before I had kids, I felt like I was just existing. After becoming a mother I felt it was important and my obligation to be the best version of myself for them. The pressure of perfection was a lot to bear. I worked even harder at keeping my past a secret because I didn't want my boys to be judged for it. I believe keeping my past a secret is what fueled my shame that ended up hurting me more at the end.
I think the hardest part about being a mother is the constant worry.
Because of my C-PTSD it makes the fear of losing my boys
even more difficult and extreme.
I think the most challenging part about my OCD isn't sharing my story about it, t's living with it. Making sure that everything is perfect is hard to do and, at my age, it becomes exhausting. The first home I spent my time cleaning was my Nana Kates when I was just eight or nine. Every place I lived there after,
I always ensured it was nice and clean.
It is pleasing to enjoy a clean home. But believe it or not, it is equally pleasing for me to clean. The hard part is feeling like no one will do it as well as I will.
Don't be the martyr to your OCD. If someone wants to help you, let them.
Even if it's not as good as what you would've done
I have three reasons as to why my education has evolved over the years; the first one is my husband. He has taught me so much just through his sharing of views or interests. I've always said
Jon knows everything about everything.
The second reason is technology. I have learned more from the Internet than I did from attending school. The third reason is that the older I became I was able to overcome the insecurities of
" Thinking I would never be smart enough,"
Schools should be held accountable for ensuring a child does not just get pushed through the system. But instead, advocate for that child to figure out why they cannot meet the minimum education standards, whether it's because of a learning disability or a living environment. The school is going to be the first place to identify the problem. The school should then have the authority to help the child's needs be met.
That is where my vision\dream foundation could help!
I believe wholeheartedly that the only way to change something is by talking about it and exposing the ugly feelings that affect us at that moment and, if not dealt with, our future.
I hope this inspires both the person being bullied and the person that is being the bully. There are only two reasons why someone would want to bully or make fun of another person. One is because they do not know any better. It was a learned behavior from their living environment, a behavior that is condoned. The other reason is that hurt people hurt others. The only way to correct the problem is to talk about it and expose the pain that it causes. No human being truly wants to cause that kind of pain to another. I've always expressed to my kids that instead of hating those that hurt us, we should spend more time understanding why they do it. Not saying that we should tolerate it, but understand it so that we don't pass it forward.
Based on my own experience, feelings, and the work it took me to heal, I advise you to take the time to understand the circumstances that your mother herself was born into. I'm sure you will find that her struggles were just as unbearable as yours and, in many cases, much worse. Understanding her life will give you a better understanding of why yours is the way it is. By knowing, the human being inside of you will want to comfort your mother the same way you wish she were able to do for you during her absence.
Because she is the person that God chose to be my Mother.
I will always cherish the memories of all four of the kids playing sports. I've spent lots of time sitting on the bleachers, cheering them on. The joy and excitement of those memories will last me a lifetime.
I pray that the example of my Faith will be enough that they know to turn to God when they need help and give Him all the glory when He does.
They taught me what love in a family is supposed to be like. Our Faith and Love are the reason the foundation of our family remains intact.
I usually try something like Mel Robbin's 5 Second Rule
I then find a quiet space for my mind and away from anyone else, I may be affecting. This has helped me identify my triggers but more importantly, control them.
Because I believe many diseases, addictions, and even death can be avoided if your trauma is identified and treated before it affects you physically.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Philippians 4:6 NIV
There is so much about this chapter that I love and want to share with everyone.
My favorite is my son's response from the day I told him about my abuse and abandonment. When I told family and friends I was writing this book, their concern was for my kids. Thinking they would not understand or they would be embarrassed. Sure if people were cruel, they would be embarrassed and hurt.
My boys have repeatedly told me how proud they are of me. I am just so happy that they have identified my dysfunction so they don't carry it forward with them.
My favorite, for sure, is my new armor. How I handle people and situations completely differs from how I used to.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or I have mastered this, but I've come very far. Trying to handle a situation the same way God would have, has humbled me for sure. Placing boundaries on those that highly affect me has helped tremendously. It avoids unnecessary toxic encounters.
I think self-reflecting is the hardest to overcome or master; I should say—self-reflecting forces you to take ownership of your part in any dysfunction. It is a tool that needs to be mastered.
I self-reflect on any negative situation I may have. It's hard to be brutally honest and hold yourself accountable for dysfunctional behavior.
I think forgiveness is the KEY to healing the pain we carry from those that hurt us. The forgiveness is really about me, not the person that hurt me. I can only make my feelings with them right, but I have no control over their actions. All I can do is pray for their healing and that they ask God for his forgiveness.
I hope my kids can identify my dysfunction enough not to repeat it
and give me grace despite it.
That's an easy answer. I give God every bit of glory for my life turning out the way it has. He has been my consistent rock and strength. Our relationship began at a very young age. In many situations, God was my only comfort and protector. I believe with every being in my body that, God is going to use every bad thing that ever happened in my life for good.
Years ago, the Pastor at our church asked where are you in your Faith? Are you a baby Christian? Are you now and then Christian, or are you Christ-centered? I always knew that I was more than a now and then christian, but today I could raise my hands and say I am Christ-centered. I live my life with honesty and integrity. In complicated situations, I ask myself what God would do. I have taught this to my kids.
Three years ago, I cried to God and asked him to please heal my broken heart. I never imagined this journey would be as spiritually amazing as it was. God's relentless love for me pushed me out of every bit of pain I was holding onto all my life. I know I would never have been able to do everything I have without God's grace. There isn't anything in this world that can take the peace that God has given me.
Time and time again, I have said we need to do better for our younger generation. This has been heavy on my heart for over a decade now. What sparked it with me ten years ago was the early days of a tragic prescription drug abuse and heroin epidemic. The countless deaths of our young adolescents are devastating to witness. Drug overdoses in our youth are at record-breaking numbers. Now that I understand a primary cause of addiction it has made me realize even more that the younger generation needs help. Maybe it was my younger self from her own needs not being met. Or maybe it was just witnessing the future destruction of our human beings but I believe this foundation is exactly what are younger generations needs and want.
Because I believe that God gives us ALL a purpose,
and he chose this one for me.
Because the things we entertain ourselves with either have a positive or negative impact.
Whatever season you are in, outside influences will have an impact.My choice of music during one of my life's most challenging seasons inspired me,
comforted me, quieted my mind, and gave peace to my soul.
Time and time again, I have said we need to do better for our younger generation. This has been heavy on my heart for over a decade now. What sparked it with me ten years ago was the early days of a tragic prescription drug abuse and heroin epidemic. The countless deaths of our young adolescents are devastating to witness. Drug overdoses in our youth are at record-breaking numbers. Now that I understand a primary cause of addiction it has made me realize even more that the younger generation needs help. Maybe it was my younger self from her own needs not being met. Or maybe it was just witnessing the future destruction of our human beings but I believe this foundation is exactly what are younger generations needs and want.
Books
The Bible
I Do Hard Things: A Bible Study to Break Free of Fear and Pain
I Do Boundaries: A Bible Study to Discover Your Power, Protect What Matters, and Stop Feeling Bad About It ( both) by Havilah Cunnington
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self, by Dr. Nicole LePera
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, by Dr. Gabor Mate (*highly recommend for everyone!)
Music
Maverick City Music
Lauren Daigle’s
Natalie Grant’s
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